How We Unknowingly Sabotage the Self-Confidence of Ourselves & Others

In every context of life it is said that effective communication is the key to success. Regardless of how important we know it is, very few people do it well.

Whether it be in our business relationships, or intimate personal relationships, this lack of effective communication causes serious challenges. One of the most important challenges poor communication causes is that it creates low self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth in ourselves and others.

There is a lot of talk today about building self-esteem in children, and how best to do it. Many child rearing strategies being taught to parents and teachers today some believe is shielding our youth from learning the reality of the world, by always reinforcing the positive traits and positive outcomes in any situation. Or, by making sure that every child ‘wins’ something in a competition, etc. Some believe that children need to learn early in their development that we aren't always going to 'win,' in life, no matter what we do, so they can learn to overcome adversity and build self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth instead of building through manufactured ‘wins.’ They argue that this develops a false sense of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth by never being exposed to negative influences.

There are too many issues to debate that topic in this report, but I've recently come to the realization that much of the communication styles we learn in our developing years is detrimental to building self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, in ourselves and others.

I believe if we begin to make just small shifts in one particular area of how we are taught to communicate can dramatically improve the development of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, because I believe the way many people communicate with themselves and others is subconsciously sabotaging.

What do I mean?

Have you ever had someone pay you a compliment?
Have you ever had someone apologize to you?

Of course, we all have.

The real question, and the most important question is “how do you normally react?”

In most instances how do many people react?

If it's a compliment, many times we deny the amount of influence we had, and reply with something like this, "oh, it's nothing, I got lucky," or "oh, it's no big deal, I had a lot of help on that."

If it's an apology, again, we tend to discount it because we feel a little uncomfortable with the fact the other person is coming back to us because of something they may have done wrong, and so we try to 'console' and 'comfort' them with a reply like, "oh, that's okay, don't worry about it, it was no big deal.'

In both of these instances I believe it begins to create low self-esteem in both parties. How? Simple.

First of all, we must understand the person coming to us, who is expressing either the compliment or the apology, is coming to us expressing an opinion after careful consideration. More than likely for them, it’s a big step to come to us to make the compliment or apology.

If it's a compliment, they have seen something in us they believe is good and they make an effort to say something positive by expressing an ‘opinion.’ This takes significant effort, too. I know you realize this because most people don't get many compliments.

Secondly, if someone is apologizing, they too, are expressing an ‘opinion’ about an experience, and many times it takes a lot of thought, energy and courage to do so.

What do you believe happens in both instances when someone expresses an ‘opinion’ after careful consideration and courage to step forward, and then has their ‘opinion’ discounted and shot down as not being important, or having much value to the recipient?

What happens is that the person expressing the opinion begins to question themselves as to if they have perceived the situation accurately. They question the value of their judgement, and the value of their opinions.

Ultimately, over time and many years of this type of ineffective, negative, but ‘well-meaning’ communication, their self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth deflates.

On the flip side, the person who doesn't accept the compliment or the apology also suffers in much the same way, because every time we discount the compliment, or the apology, we deflect its positive impact on our psyche and the same thing happens to our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, it depletes.

It's time to change our ways.

Begin accepting those compliments and apologies, and give positive reinforcement to the person providing their valued opinion. By doing so, both sides win. All you have to do is say the following things:

For compliments - "Gee, thank you, I'm pleased you noticed. I really appreciate your comments."

For apologies - "Thank you, I appreciate and accept your apology, it’s important to me to hear that from you."

Respond in this simple way, and you will begin to build self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth in yourself, your professional teammates, and family members. Try it and let me know how it feels. I bet you'll notice a difference, if you allow yourself too.

To address specific issues you may be experiencing regarding your leadership and management challenges, communication challenges and issues surrounding the achievement of your business goals, feel free to e-mail me at Info@TheAchievementGym.com .

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The Problem with Leaders Today

I had lunch today with a member of The Achievement Gym who wanted to talk with me about challenges he was having leading his staff. He noticed he wasn't getting the type of results from his management team that he was hoping for as he saw consistent communication errors getting in the way of his organization moving forward.

It was quite refreshing when, after explaining the situation, he asked me if I could help him improve his communication style so that his staff 'gets it" the first time. Most conversations I've had like this with organizational and business leaders, it is asked for me to figure out if I can help the leader 'fix' the team members. But not in this instance, and it was a breathe of fresh air.

The more my business moves in the direction of leadership training and management development, the more I finding significant challenges with the leadership styles of leaders at the highest levels. Many of whom, again, believe the management problem lies outside of themsevles and they want me to 'fix' their team members. Not only aren't serious enough about looking within themselves, they haven't even considered it as a possibility.

On a side note, prior to and immediately upon returning from that lunch, I had two related experiences. The first came from the hostess seating us in the restaurant.

As I was waiting for my lunch date to arrive, I engaged the hostess in a conversation because we as we exchanged greetings, her response to me was, "I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to work today." Which just opened the door for me. She asked me what I did and I told her I work with teams and their leaders to improve the morale, attitudes and the overall work environment to improve productivity and satisfaction levels. To which she said, "Well, I've been here 18 years and nothing ever changes except the faces. The attitude from the top never changes, it's always the same."

This woman has seen a lot 'changes' in management personnel over 18 years, but the general culture hasn't changed in that time, in her eyes. And, she's the person they have greeting customers when they walk through the door and is the first person customers meet? Interesting.

Upon my return, I received an e-mail from a team member at an organization I'm working with who was responding to the Weekly Achievement Log they fill out so I can hold their team accountable to their prescribed progress. Here's what she wrote: "The problems here seem to be primarily from the top down. The managers, for the most part, have not been held accountable for reaching established goals, therefore goals are rarely reached."

Hmm, problems from the 'top down' again? I'm noticing a significant recurring pattern and theme are you? If you're in a leadership position, no matter what the issue is I encourage you to first look within to fix the problems you are experiencing on the outside with your team.

More on how to do that and have the greatest impact in my next posting...

To address specific issues you may be experiencing regarding your leadership and management challenge, feel free to e-mail me at Info@TheAchievementGym.com

Subscribe to my newsletter...click here!
Link: http://www.theachievementgym.com/