How We Unknowingly Sabotage the Self-Confidence of Ourselves & Others

In every context of life it is said that effective communication is the key to success. Regardless of how important we know it is, very few people do it well.

Whether it be in our business relationships, or intimate personal relationships, this lack of effective communication causes serious challenges. One of the most important challenges poor communication causes is that it creates low self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth in ourselves and others.

There is a lot of talk today about building self-esteem in children, and how best to do it. Many child rearing strategies being taught to parents and teachers today some believe is shielding our youth from learning the reality of the world, by always reinforcing the positive traits and positive outcomes in any situation. Or, by making sure that every child ‘wins’ something in a competition, etc. Some believe that children need to learn early in their development that we aren't always going to 'win,' in life, no matter what we do, so they can learn to overcome adversity and build self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth instead of building through manufactured ‘wins.’ They argue that this develops a false sense of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth by never being exposed to negative influences.

There are too many issues to debate that topic in this report, but I've recently come to the realization that much of the communication styles we learn in our developing years is detrimental to building self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, in ourselves and others.

I believe if we begin to make just small shifts in one particular area of how we are taught to communicate can dramatically improve the development of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, because I believe the way many people communicate with themselves and others is subconsciously sabotaging.

What do I mean?

Have you ever had someone pay you a compliment?
Have you ever had someone apologize to you?

Of course, we all have.

The real question, and the most important question is “how do you normally react?”

In most instances how do many people react?

If it's a compliment, many times we deny the amount of influence we had, and reply with something like this, "oh, it's nothing, I got lucky," or "oh, it's no big deal, I had a lot of help on that."

If it's an apology, again, we tend to discount it because we feel a little uncomfortable with the fact the other person is coming back to us because of something they may have done wrong, and so we try to 'console' and 'comfort' them with a reply like, "oh, that's okay, don't worry about it, it was no big deal.'

In both of these instances I believe it begins to create low self-esteem in both parties. How? Simple.

First of all, we must understand the person coming to us, who is expressing either the compliment or the apology, is coming to us expressing an opinion after careful consideration. More than likely for them, it’s a big step to come to us to make the compliment or apology.

If it's a compliment, they have seen something in us they believe is good and they make an effort to say something positive by expressing an ‘opinion.’ This takes significant effort, too. I know you realize this because most people don't get many compliments.

Secondly, if someone is apologizing, they too, are expressing an ‘opinion’ about an experience, and many times it takes a lot of thought, energy and courage to do so.

What do you believe happens in both instances when someone expresses an ‘opinion’ after careful consideration and courage to step forward, and then has their ‘opinion’ discounted and shot down as not being important, or having much value to the recipient?

What happens is that the person expressing the opinion begins to question themselves as to if they have perceived the situation accurately. They question the value of their judgement, and the value of their opinions.

Ultimately, over time and many years of this type of ineffective, negative, but ‘well-meaning’ communication, their self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth deflates.

On the flip side, the person who doesn't accept the compliment or the apology also suffers in much the same way, because every time we discount the compliment, or the apology, we deflect its positive impact on our psyche and the same thing happens to our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, it depletes.

It's time to change our ways.

Begin accepting those compliments and apologies, and give positive reinforcement to the person providing their valued opinion. By doing so, both sides win. All you have to do is say the following things:

For compliments - "Gee, thank you, I'm pleased you noticed. I really appreciate your comments."

For apologies - "Thank you, I appreciate and accept your apology, it’s important to me to hear that from you."

Respond in this simple way, and you will begin to build self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth in yourself, your professional teammates, and family members. Try it and let me know how it feels. I bet you'll notice a difference, if you allow yourself too.

To address specific issues you may be experiencing regarding your leadership and management challenges, communication challenges and issues surrounding the achievement of your business goals, feel free to e-mail me at Info@TheAchievementGym.com .

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